Excerpt From an Episode of Star Trek(TOS) as Performed in the Cornerstone Café in Downtown Guelph, and Featuring Emily Shapiro in the Role of Captain Kirk.
(We join the crew of the USS Enterprise at Table Four. Waiter CAMERON approaches the table to take everybody’s order.)
CAMERON
Coffee everybody? (Everybody nods.) Did everybody have a good time last night? (More assent) I couldn’t make it out last night. I was too tired. I just went to bed. (Stunned silence) Okay…well…I’ll be back with your coffee. (He leaves the table.)
EMILY/KIRK
Something’s wrong. Cameron has never slept in his life. He doesn’t even own a bed. He serves at the Cornerstone all day and drinks all night with the Cornerstone staff. Everybody knows that. In fact, sleeping is a direct violation of Article 567, section 2, subsection ii of the City of Guelph Food Service Charter. How deep does this go?
MCCOY
Jim, you’re being paranoid. You need rest. You should listen to the ship’s doctor once in a while. I could have you removed from duty.
SPOCK
Captain, I took the liberty of making some scans and it would appear that the Doctor’s emotional outburst is once again completely unfounded. That was not the real Cameron. That was a robot--albeit a well-liked and popular robot. Furthermore, I have reason to believe that robots have infiltrated the entire staff.
EMILY/KIRK
How…how could they? Amelia…Jeremy…Chloe… Dara…Dana… All the others… All of them…gone. I served with them against the Shiny People. And now they’re…no more… We’ve got to do something…but what?
SPOCK
We’re up against a formidable enemy, Captain.
MCCOY
It sounds like you admire them, Spock, with your cold Vulcan Logic.
SPOCK
I do not admire them, Doctor, I merely acknowledge their superior abilities.
MCCOY
How can you say that, Spock! They were your friends!
EMILY/KIRK
Gentlemen, now is not the time. They must have a weakness, and I think I know what it is. If they are logical beings as Mr. Spock says, then that is how we will bring them down. (Robot CAMERON approaches the table again.)
CAMERON
Ready to order gang?
MCCOY
Migas.
SPOCK
Migas.
EMILY/KIRK
I see today’s omelette is a western.
CAMERON
Yes…
EMILY/KIRK
What does that consist of?
CAMERON
Mushrooms and peppers.
EMILY/KIRK
Does it have…cheese?
CAMERON
Yes it does.
EMILY/KIRK
Then I would like the western omelette…but without cheese.
CAMERON
(Somewhat surprised) Oh…well…okay… I guess we can do that, if that’s what you want…
EMILY/KIRK
It is. (Cameron leaves the table.)
MCCOY
If this is going where I think it is Jim, then it just might work.
SPOCK
Indeed, the captain’s plan shows a great deal of potential.
MCKOY
Spock, you’re a pointy-eared ass-kisser.
EMILY/KIRK
Gentlemen, be quiet. (Cameron returns with the order and distributes the plates to the shocked officers and departs.)
MCKOY
That cuts it, Jim. Something is definitely wrong here.
SPOCK
I’m sure you’re aware, Captain, that we can’t afford to see this plan fail. Otherwise the entire downtown core will deteriorate into confusion when people suddenly realize they have no idea how to spend their mornings.
MCKOY
(Screaming) That can’t be allowed to happen Jim!!
EMILY
Be calm, men. You’re my two best officers, and I need you to keep control. Quiet. (Cameron approaches the table again)
CAMERON
How’s your food, people?
MCKOY
Oh…good.
SPOCK
Indeed, it is more than satisfactory.
CAMERON
(To Emily/Kirk) Do you like your omelette?
EMILY/KIRK
I do. It’s delicious.
CAMERON
Good!
EMILY/KIRK
There’s just one thing…
CAMERON
And what’s that?
EMILY/KIRK
(Music swells with tension.) What this omelette could really use is…cheese.
CAMERON
Cheese? But you said you—I mean, you didn’t want—I mean it already—you shouldn’t have said you—(A red light flashes on Cameron’s necklace.) Error! Error! Awaiting instructions! Awaiting instructions!
SPOCK
If I may be so bold as to point out, the only logical course of the waitstaff is to report the customer’s complaint to the kitchen staff.
CAMERON
Must comply! Must comply! (He marches stiffly back to the kitchen. The crew watches as he interfaces with the rest of the staff who have gathered around to listen.)
SPOCK
I believe they are interfacing with the primary control right now.
MARK
Does not compute! Does not compute! (Picks up chit holder and shoves it in his eye. Chloebot’s head begins to smoke, and not for the usual reason. Dara starts taking clean dishes off the shelf and loading them into the dishwasher. Eric starts babbling nonsensical scientific data to anybody who will listen. General chaos. Ragged customers stand around surveying the destruction in horror)
CUSTOMERS
What will we do? How will we ever survive?
EMILY/KIRK
(Standing on the table.) It will be hard at first. But you’ll make it. You’ll persevere. You’ll pull yourself up and learn to live without the tyranny of robotic hospitality professionals. You’ll build a new world. And we’ll be back to see you again.
(Back on the ship. SPOCK and MCKOY are standing around EMILY/KIRK in the captain’s chair. Their conversation is accompanied by a whimsical oboe.)
MCKOY
Well Spock, it turns out you were wrong about everything once again. You’re such an asshole.
SPOCK
On the contrary, Doctor, your obvious mental infirmities are an embarrassment to sentient beings everywhere.
EMILY/KIRK
(Smiling and shaking her head.) You two. Why don’t you just fuck and get it over with.
(SPOCK cocks an eyebrow inquiringly. MCKOY averts his eyes.)
END.


















